February is the month of love. Well, it feels like when you are single anyway. It’s like the annual reminder that you are alone and everyone else is happy with their perfect SO and their perfect relationship.
This was the third Valentine’s Day that I spent with my SO and it was a really sweet and low key event. Mainly because of Covid (ovs), but also because it’s the third one and the jig is up, right? Anyway, three V Day’s later and a whole lotta conversation around this time on dating/relationships and everything in between has led me to reflect on my experience in this area.
I will not meet my husband online
I was honest to god, convinced of this. I just knew it to my core that it would not work this way for me. Too many shit c/p openers and meeting guys IRL that had a very different persona to their online one, and guys that I genuinely wanted to help build their bio made me think that this was not going to be the place I would find a healthy, long-term relationship. But nonetheless, I chose to ride the wave (did I have a choice?).
To make this whole process more palatable as I was not ready to throw the online dating towel in, I threw all of my faith into the universe, I really did. My mantra was:
‘This is all just happening in the meantime’
This to me meant
- If I dated a guy and it didn’t work, that’s cool because this is part of the process
- The right one would come into my life when they are meant to
- There’s nothing I can do differently or any way I can rush this process
- It happens when it’s supposed to happen, so chill out, and lastly
- If he is the right guy, you literally cannot stuff it up. So stop doubting everything you say and do.
Anyone that says that they enjoy online dating are flat out lying to you. It’s tough, full of mixed messages and frustrating. But is this any different to meeting someone in a traditional setting? Sure, you have a chance to meet the first which means you have an opportunity to pick up on so many non-verbal cues that are really important. But after that initial meeting, you are back into the world of relying on WhatsApp messages and the odd phone call (if you are a psychopath – sorry but I am not a phone call lover) and waiting for the next date – you’re in the same boat as all the online daters. So stop putting meeting someone in person, on a pedestal. Also, it’s important to remember that all the guys at the pubs/bars etc. that are looking for someone, are all on Tinder too… So why not short circuit this? The taboo of online dating is so 2007, which I am so happy about.
Listen to your gut – she will not lead you astray
If you have not already gathered, I did a lot of online dating before meeting the one that meant I didn’t have to suffer through the BS that is the online dating/dating game anymore. Choosing to move to London as a 28 year old ambitious and outgoing woman was a good choice for me for many reasons. It had all of the opportunities I needed to grow professionally and I was at a stage in my life where I wanted to meet someone on the same page as me to grow old with.
Meeting guys when I went out in London just never really worked. Sooooo many guys pretending to be single lolol and the others were not interested in knowing you for more than a night or so. It was just such a gamble and tiring tbh. To me, it did feel easier to strike a convo online and pray for success when you met them for the first time face-to-face.
When it comes to knowing what you want and trying to find this with online dating, it is going to vary a lot from person to person. I used to love getting long essay type replies from guys, whereas if one of my girlfriends received one of these, they would think he’s too much and probably ghost (never ghost by the way girls! We can do this, speak your truth).
I guess you just need to know what it is that you want from them and how you want to be communicated to. If you expect a minimum amount of conversation and curiosity from them, and they are not clued into that and oh yeah, if they find any opp at all to make the conversation sexual and you never reciprocate and they don’t respect that. You can absolutely give him a miss, you do not owe him shhht. Do not overthink that one.
Silence is bliss
This was not something that I was preaching at the beginning, in any sense. But I grew to really appreciate the times of low communication and silence because I learnt to understand what they meant with him. I started to find it super liberating because I wasn’t sitting there waiting for some chit chat message to come through, to validate how he felt about me. When he messaged, there was stuff of substance there and more importantly, when we met up, that’s where I knew how he felt. Being around them in person is soooo much more important than how many messages they send you per day.
The silence – This did not mean he was not interested in me, it just meant he was doing stuff, and this was really hard for me to wrap my head around when you are so used to getting attention from previous guys so when the new attention is not full-time, you worry. But there was a reason that the guys that gave a lot of attention died off quickly, because these situations were not going anywhere, which was fine. Bye bye
Your friends love you, and they mean well, but they are just as confused as you are
Of course the whole ‘why is he not messaging meeeeeeee’ conversations I would have with friends for comfort rarely worked in my favour. I would get a lot of ‘honey, he’s just not into you’ and that really broke my heart. In self defense I would be like, ‘but, but the dates are so great! We click so well!’ and they would be like, well then why is he not messaging you?? So what I am trying to say here is take what the girls say with a pinch of salt. They love you, they have your back but no one has any clue how this stuff goes! We’re all just figuring it out blindly together.
I know that dating is a lot harder now than normal and my heart goes out to anyone going through this right now. But I think if you know your core values and what you want to compliment what you have already built for yourself, you can only attract good things! I believe in you.
Thanks for reading,
Mel x